My sin

Approximately 8 years ago my husband and I made the choice to “terminate” a pregnancy. At the time it seemed like the only logical solution for us. I was 27 years old, I had 4 kids and my marriage wasn’t the greatest. I was a stay at home mom, taking care of not only my 4 kids ages 10, 8, 6 and 4 but also watching my nephews while my sister worked. I was stressed and with my marriage on the rocks I felt alone and lost.
I made the appointment and a few days later went in to start a very long and draining process both mentally and physically but even more emotionally! I spent the whole morning in the waiting room filling out papers then talking to a nurse then watching a video. By about 4 that evening I was given 2 pills. All I had to do was take them and wait….
By the next day the process had begun. I was in so much pain, I was so sad and again felt so alone BUT I had 4 kids to take care of. So that’s what I did. I called and made the appointment for the checkup and a couple of days later I went in. After examining me and doing another ultra sound they discovered another baby.
They explained that the pills only worked on one and they were now going to have to surgically remove the other…. I was still trying to process the fact that I was pregnant with TWINS. Why didn’t they tell me that when they did that first ultra sound?? Would that have changed my mind?? I was by myself at this appointment and needed someone right then! It felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me, like I couldn’t feel my legs to move.
They took me back to the surgical area to get me prepared. I was unable to have the IV sedation due to the fact I had to drive myself home so all I got was the gas mask. My whole body was trembling. I was so scared. I had so much regret weighing on me. All I kept thinking was “why did I do this, this is not how it had to be, please Lord please forgive me.”
After being in recovery for about an hour they let me leave. I made it about 2 blocks and had to call my mother in law to come get me. I was sick from the gas on top of disgusted with myself. I made it home and it was like nothing had happened. John sleeping on the couch and the the kids hungry.
I remember standing at the stove making grilled cheese for the kids and after about 10 minutes or so I felt faint. I couldn’t breathe. My mother in law had just pulled in the drive way so I made my way to the front porch. I couldn’t talk and my body was seizing up on me. I litterally fell into her arms. She carried me to her car, loaded my kids up and rushed me to the hospital.
I had to look the doctors and nurses in the face and tell them I had an abortion that same day. Those words coming out of my mouth, the looks I got from people, I will never forget that moment. They left me sitting in the wheelchair, in the waiting room, covered in blood. I was so embarrassed and felt so small.
Once I calmed down and could walk out on my own (about an hour later) we left. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Turns out that was the first of MANY panic attacks.
It’s been 8 years and I still have an ache in my heart. I still wonder if they were boys or girls or one of each, what would their names be, I sit and think about life now and can’t help but think, we could have made it work. I wish I could go back in time and change things. I would do it in a heartbeat. I made the biggest mistake of my life 8 years ago and now, every single day, for the rest of my life, I will pray for my babies in heaven, I will pray and ask for God’s forgiveness. I will live with regret.

Desperately Seeking ME!

The way I feel is almost indescribable. How does a person diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe panic disorder and depression LIVE? I am on meds for all of the above and have been for about 6 months now but I feel worse now than I did (I think!)
I read somewhere that anxiety starts because there is a part of your brain that stores memories that you want to forget.
I have done a lot of thinking since reading that article and believe it to be true 100%! There are about 5 memories I chose to “forget” about because of the pain they caused and then there is this one memory that no matter how bad, how desperately I want to forget it… I can’t.
My heart is forever broken because of that horrible memory. Shattered and broken into millions of pieces and the rest of my life I will suffer because of that pain. I’ve been told I have to let it go, I have to forgive myself but I just can’t. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to live and relive this memory every single day and that’s exactly what I do.
I should say I am married, have been for 16 years and we have 4 kids and now a beautiful grandson. I love each one of them and would give my life for them if needed. I’m just so damn sad. I am a shell of what I use to be. I don’t do anything for myself anymore. I have no friends and I am most deffinetly the blacksheep of my family. My baby sister is the closest friend I’ve had in many years but I’m a huge dissappointment to my mom.
My husband tries to help but wants me to just “snap out it”. I wish it was that easy. In some ways I feel the pain in my heart (even 8 years later) is God punishing me. But then I stop and remind myself, God forgave me along time ago, it’s time for ME to forgive ME! I have been through so much in my 35 years on this Earth. I deserve to break free and be happy, so why can’t I?

KALEB

I can’t believe my baby boy is almost 13. That will make me “officially” the parent of FOUR teenagers. I worry more about Kaleb than I did Kyle at that age. Kyle was always a leader, he could handle anything. I think Kaleb worries what others will say or think (just like his mom and his big sister Katie.)
I am so proud of the young man he is becoming! He is taking on more responsibilities since his big brother moved out and He has always made A’s and B’s in school! He is just like his daddy! He could tell you anything you want to know about basketball or football and he loves older vehicles! He wants a 64 Nova (maybe a 69) I’m not good at that old car thing!! I couldn’t be more proud of my baby boy!

“Always Mommas Baby”

Kyle

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This is my first born baby boy Kyle. He will be 18 in two more days!.YES….18! I am seriously a basket case over the fact that he is not only turning 18 but also graduating high school in May and became a father (an awesome, amazing, wonderful, loving father) 8 months ago!

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Kyle is the first picture at 6 months and the other 3 are of Bentley. They could be twins! Kyle has made me so very proud! He has grown to be such an amazing young man!

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He was the perfect baby and of course spoiled rotten! When he was 2 1/2 years old he won 2nd place (Prince) in the Lions Club baby pageant! He was the cutest little blond hair, blue eyed little boy there! He got his first dirt bike when he was 5! That next year he wrote a letter to Santa asking for a box of spark plugs for his dirt bike! He has always been a little man! So very smart! It’s hard to believe my baby boy is almost an actual man! I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing baby boy 2 days shy of 18 years ago!

Depression + Anxiety

What people don’t understand is yes it is a mental disorder but very real physical things are happening in your body.  You can’t compare it to cancer but there are things going on in your brain that make you so sad,  and even make you feel in pain,  and make you feel like you want to die.  So in some cases depression,  anxiety or any of the other mental disorders listed can be fatal.  Depression is bad.
Depression is not something you can turn off just like that, it takes time to heal but you will get better. Depression is a deep dark hole that you cannot climb out of or have anyone pull you out of. It can be all consuming. I hate being there and not being able to tell anyone why I hurt and am lonely, they just don’t get it
Depression is an illness that affects so many people and gets looked away.  Some think that people need to snap out of it but it’s just not that easy.  It’s great that celebrities are coming out with their struggles but at the same time it’s extremely sad that this affects so many people from different backgrounds and lifestyles.  People need to understand that it’s a daily struggle.  It’s hard to put one foot in front and follow it with the other.  I pray more people will come to understand it and get help and help those who are also struggling with it. I have been having severe panic attacks and anxiety . I finally got diagnosed after going to the Emergency Room for what I thought was heart attacks. They admitted me due to bad EKG after bad EKG.  I was officially diagnosed with Panic Disorder and severe anxiety. I’m a work in progress for sure!

Kaitlin

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My oldest daughter turned 16 on 11-22-14! Time has absolutely flown by. It seems like yesterday she was born only weighing 6 lbs 9 oz and having to spend hours being monitored before I ever got to hold her due to the cord being around her neck so tight. She was so tiny the newborn clothes I took with me to bring her home in were too big for her and she actually was brought home in a baby doll dress. Now she is 16 and a sophomore in high school!
For birthday we rented an old bar with a dance floor and pool tables and threw a big surprise party! Although she probably could have done a lot with the money we spent on this pretty expensive party I think she had a blast! A hand full of her closest friends were there and all of her closest family members! Words are not enough to say what my children mean to me…. I am so proud of Katie because no matter what diversity she is faced with she always finds a rainbow in the clouds! She holds her head high and she is so very smart! Her future is so very bright! I am blessed just being her mom!

Krissy

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Krissy is my youngest daughter! We just celebrated her 14th Birthday on 12-8! Her big birthday gift from her dad and I was tickets to the Cavaliers vs Thunder NBA game in OKC! Her and I drove down by ourselves and declared it our first official mother/daughter road trip! We don’t live that far from the city, approximately 1 1/2 hours maybe 2. I have anxiety already but boy let me tell you, driving for my first time in OKC was soooo scarey for me! I don’t like that feeling of not knowing where I’m going or where I’m at! We typed the info into my phone and the navigation lady who Krissy and I decided to call “Rosie” got us there safely with only minimal mistakes!!! We got to the Chesapeake Energy Arena¬† as the doors were opening and found out we could stand right next to the tunnel where the Cavaliers would be coming out so she could get autographs! It was so exciting! My daughter loves basketball! She loves LeBron James and she was so very excited to get to watch him play! Unfortunatley, LeBron and Mike Miller (who she also likes a lot) were both out with injuries and didn’t play. She did get a video of the team coming out and one autograph! We then made our way to our seats where we (there to support Cleveland) were surrounded by Thunder fans! That didn’t stop Krissy from clapping, yelling and cheering for her team! I don’t know much about basketball and although Cleveland lost, I had a blast with her! The Thunder staff really know how to make those games so much fun! We plan to make another trip down there in March to cheer on the Heat! Our drive home was quiet and peaceful. Again, I was pretty anxious about the drive as I dislike driving in the dark, but we made it! Krissy went home and I had to get to my shift at work. I am so blessed to be that girls mom! She is bright, beautiful, full of life, down to earth and so immensely talented! I tell my kids all the time… To the moon and back, more than all the stars in the sky, I LOVE YOU!

Being Mimi (month 6)

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Bentley is now 6 months old. He is the love of my life! When you have kids you have this feeling deep inside and you think you will never feel that kind of love, that kind of joy, that kind of passion for another human…..then you have a grandbaby! It’s a love that I can’t describe in words. Not to the extent of what I truly feel. I would move mountains for that little guy. He is now sitting up and rolling over and eating baby food and although I went through all of these steps with each of my 4 kids I can’t help but feel as though I missed out on all of this. Would I have been a better mother if I had waited until I was older to start a family? I honestly feel that I was a great mother. I have so many wonderful memories of my babies! So much memorabilia from their childhood that instantly brings back memories. But taking care of Bentley during the day it’s just a little different. I feel like I’m really in the moment and I don’t think I had the chance to really be “in the moment” with my kids. I was young (16) when I had my first baby and although I was a hands on mom and always had my babies with me I also had so much going on and was learning as I went! I love the look on Bentleys face when he is brought in our front door and realizes he is at Mimi and grandpa’s! I love the huge smile he has the second he wakes from his naps! I love that he will only go to sleep with his head on my chest and me patting his back! I love that he loves to be outside because it shows me how much he will love our camping trips in the summer! I love that he loves his aunts and uncles so very much! I love that I have been able to experience all of his “firsts” whether I am right there at that moment or his mom and dad send me a video instantly! I love that he is a perfect mixture of my son and his mom! I absolutely, with all my heart love being Bentleys Mimi! 💓

Living With Endometriosis

Eight years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. That was it! No meds, no pamplets, no explanation, just told I had it. For years I have suffered with the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes with this incurable disease.

Four months ago I found a dr who was willing to help me! She refered me to a gynocologist who immediately sent me to a surgeon. Four weeks ago I had my very first surgery. I am 34 years old and have never had anything serious happen to me. I was terrified! The anastesiologist gave me something to calm my nerves before taking me to the operating room. Next thing I know Im waking up in recovery.

Two weeks later I went in for my post op appointment. My worst fears were then presented to me. He showed me the pictures he took of everything in my abdomen. I was now in stage 4 which is the worst case. My uterus, my cervix, my bladder, my overies and the walls of my abdomen are covered in endo.

In two weeks (September 30) I go back for surgery #2. He will be removing my uterus, overies, cervix, fallopian tubes, scraping the whole inside wall of my abdomen and using a laser to remove the endo from my bladder. Needless to say I am an emotional wreck! All I keep thinking is if the previous surgery (where all he basically did was cut me open to take internal pictures then sewed me back up) left me hurting so bad I know without a doubt I will be in excrutiating pain this time. I will also be staying in the hospital for at least a night where last surgery I got to go home within just hours.

I have so many expectations being thrown in my direction and its not only pissing me off but breaking my heart. My mom and mother in law both just keep saying how they were back at work within 2 weeks of their hysterectomy so now that’s apparently what’s expected of me! The dr is saying 6-8 weeks to fully recover not just physically but emotionally as well. What I don’t understand is how out of my entire family, my husband included, my baby sister Kourtney is the only person that is even considering my feelings.
I just want to SCREAM, ” LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME BE EMOTIONAL AND UPSET AND SCARED! STOP TELLING ME WHAT YOU EXPECT! STOP TELLING ME ITS NO BIG DEAL! TO ME ITS A HUGE DEAL!”

I just feel so alone! I’m in pain 24/7 and it feels as if everyone around me thinks its in my head. My husband has no sympathy for me at all. Not that I want sympathy from anyone but DAMN, hold me once in awhile and tell me its all gonna be ok. Tell me you will be there for me and not leave my side. This is going to change so much about my life. I am going to be a different person after this surgery. I am 34 years old and am losing 75% of what makes me a woman! I will be thrown into menopause many years before I should be.

I just pray that everything works out with this surgery. I pray there are no complications and that God will guide the surgeon and be with him as he performs this surgery. I pray that my life isn’t turned upside down after this or while I’m trying to heal. I pray that my family acknowledges that I need them at this time. AMEN

Becoming MiMi

When my 17 year old son came to me and told me his girlfriend of 6 months was going to have his baby i was in complete shock. We knew the time was coming when our son would become sexually active but we had also had numerous discussions with him about safety. Needless to say my husband was irrate!

For months I attended every single dr appointment she had as did my son! I loved that she and her mother let me be so involved. The day we found out they were having a boy was so exciting!

Heather is diabetic so with this pregnancy came lots of stress and worry. She was considered high risk and therefor had to see the dr alot more than usual pregnancies.There were some scarey moments at a couple of appointments. At one time we thought she was gonna have to deliver very, very early but Bentley stayed strong and stayed put til about 36 weeks.

On May 30, 2014 Heather went in for a scheduled c-section.We were so excited to finally meet this baby boy but so nerve wrecked for Heather. She surprisingly stayed very calm! We were told when they took her and Kyle back to the operating room that we could stay in her room and they would be bringing baby then mom back within 30-45 minutes.

We waited and waited. Both Heathers dad and my husband paced the doorway and hallway full of excitment and nerves. After about 45 minutes a nurse came and told us we would need to wait in the waiting room and they would come get us as soon as possible. Naturally I start to worry because thats not what was said at the start of this!

Finally after about 10 minutes we get a nurse to tell us that the cord was wrapped around the babys neck very tight twice and he was having trouble breathing. They took him to NICU immediately after delivery. (He also was 4 weeks early!) They got Heather in the room and we were able to see pictures.

After about an hour Kyle (my son) was able to take us to the NICU to meet our grandson. Bless his heart, he was covered with tubes and masks and needles. It was heart breaking.

Bentley stayed in the NICU for 4 days. He did so good that even the dr’s couldn’t believe it! When he finally got released to go to the regular nursery everyone was so excited! None of the little kids in the family had seen him yet. He had 2 very anxious aunts and an uncle who just couldn’t wait to meet him!

Today Bentley is 13 weeks old (3 months) and he is the most precious baby! He is ahead of schedule in every way! He doesn’t want to be held like a baby, instead he limes to be able to see what’s going on! He has been holding his head up and trying to scoot on his belly for a while now! My daughters and son spoil him rotten and he loves it!

Kyle and Heather are back at school for their senior year and this MiMi gets to keep her baby boy every day Mon-Fri for them while they’re there. I am loving all the bonding time I get with him and he has my husband wrapped around his little finger.

Was I happy when my teenage son told me he was gonna be a dad? No, I was not! Would I change anything now if I could? NO! I would not! That baby has been a blessing and with the continued support from our family and from Heathers….they are going to be just fine!

#BentleyAustinMcCarthy #MiMi