Desperately Seeking ME!

The way I feel is almost indescribable. How does a person diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe panic disorder and depression LIVE? I am on meds for all of the above and have been for about 6 months now but I feel worse now than I did (I think!)
I read somewhere that anxiety starts because there is a part of your brain that stores memories that you want to forget.
I have done a lot of thinking since reading that article and believe it to be true 100%! There are about 5 memories I chose to “forget” about because of the pain they caused and then there is this one memory that no matter how bad, how desperately I want to forget it… I can’t.
My heart is forever broken because of that horrible memory. Shattered and broken into millions of pieces and the rest of my life I will suffer because of that pain. I’ve been told I have to let it go, I have to forgive myself but I just can’t. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to live and relive this memory every single day and that’s exactly what I do.
I should say I am married, have been for 16 years and we have 4 kids and now a beautiful grandson. I love each one of them and would give my life for them if needed. I’m just so damn sad. I am a shell of what I use to be. I don’t do anything for myself anymore. I have no friends and I am most deffinetly the blacksheep of my family. My baby sister is the closest friend I’ve had in many years but I’m a huge dissappointment to my mom.
My husband tries to help but wants me to just “snap out it”. I wish it was that easy. In some ways I feel the pain in my heart (even 8 years later) is God punishing me. But then I stop and remind myself, God forgave me along time ago, it’s time for ME to forgive ME! I have been through so much in my 35 years on this Earth. I deserve to break free and be happy, so why can’t I?

KALEB

I can’t believe my baby boy is almost 13. That will make me “officially” the parent of FOUR teenagers. I worry more about Kaleb than I did Kyle at that age. Kyle was always a leader, he could handle anything. I think Kaleb worries what others will say or think (just like his mom and his big sister Katie.)
I am so proud of the young man he is becoming! He is taking on more responsibilities since his big brother moved out and He has always made A’s and B’s in school! He is just like his daddy! He could tell you anything you want to know about basketball or football and he loves older vehicles! He wants a 64 Nova (maybe a 69) I’m not good at that old car thing!! I couldn’t be more proud of my baby boy!

“Always Mommas Baby”